I think the picture says it all

You're Good, and You're Brave.

“I was up on a hill I was out there alone, when the shots all rang out, and bombs were exploding”

These are the lyrics to the climax of one of my favorite songs. The lyrics come from the song “Letters from War” by Mark Shultz. This song made a very large impact on me at one particular time in my life, though I had probably heard it thousands of times before this one. This story goes back to about a year ago, when I was a student at Liberty University. My friends and I had gone to “the rot” which is the dining hall at Liberty, and I had ran into an old friend of mine, with whom I had had a falling out with and hadn’t spoken to in several months. We ended up talking for a few minutes and then since we lived in the same dorm, I gave her a ride back to the dorm. While we were leaving, we were discussing the the song “Majesty” or rather the songs, seeing as how we were talking about how there were many versions but a few of them were more special to us.

When I pulled out of the parking lot, a student walked out in front of my car and I hit him. Now, I remind you I was only pulling out, so I had only let my foot off of the brakes when I hit him, so the force was equivalent to that of knocking a book off your bed or shutting a door, but nonetheless, he made a big deal of it. Nothing was really done, so we left the rot and headed back to the dorm. I dropped her off at the entrance of the dorm and went to the parking lot to park my car. I walked back to my dorm in a bit of a daze, head racing and heart pounding. I finally made it back and struggled to find the keys to my dorm, but my hands were shaking like a little old lady on a cold winter day, so it was with great difficulty that I finally pulled them from my bag. I walked down the hall and into my room, and much to my relief, my roommates were away. I started thinking about everything that had just happened, which also lead me to think of things that had happened the previous day and then the previous day and on and on until I found myself laying on the floor looking up at the ceiling with the room spinning as I watched a motion picture of all of the stressful events of my life.

After about an hour of watching my life flashing before my eyes, I just couldn’t take it anymore and I had to get away before I lost it completely. Now usually, I wouldn’t recommend driving when you’re in this state of mind, but I couldn’t do anything else, and I knew that driving calmed me down, so I found my way back to the parking lot, got in my car and left. I drove and I drove and I drove, not really paying any attention to where I was or where I was going, and I surely wasn’t worried about how I was going to get back! Being that my comfort is found in my God and Savior, I had the radio turned on to a local contemporary Christian music station, and looking back on it, I’m not surprised that every song that played was about depending on God in the hard times. It was still fairly early in the day, and it was a typical day in the Virginia mountains in the spring, so there was plenty of daylight to be had. Liberty is located about half an hour or more from Appomattox, which is where a lot of the civil war was fought, so there are a great many old battle grounds, what better location for a drive at that point in my life. The scenery reminded me so much of my life and my heart at that time. I kept seeing trees that were falling apart and decaying and like old abandoned houses that are condemned and left to rot back into the earth. With all that I had been through in my life up to that point and all of the struggles that I was dealing with, my heart was left like those old battle fields, broken and decaying.

The entire time I was driving, I only made one turn. This turn led me to a historic village, the name slips my memory. I pulled over and parked my car there for a minute and just looked around. The sun had begun to set in the sky, so I sat there to watch God’s creation go to sleep for the night. With the way I was parked, the sun was setting behind this old village, all of the cabins and such looked so dreary. They all just looked so empty, like an old man sitting on a bench outside of the hospital after watching his lifelong sweetheart pass away. I begun to weep uncontrollably, feeling like my life was as one of those houses, so empty and alone, with no one to care for it.

After being parked there for a while, I put my car back into drive and just kept moving, I wasn’t ready to head back to the hustle and bustle of the nightlife of Liberty on a Sunday night. There was still a little bit of light left in the sky, but not much. Just enough light to where I could still see the wreckage of the old battle ground that I was driving through. It was at this point in my drive when “Letters from War” began weep its way through my speakers, the lyrics flowing through my car and into my wounded heart. I’d heard the song many times before but I’d never really paid it any attention. I’d always just looked it as another soldier tribute song. But in my broken state of mind that night, the song fell on new ears. I had the song on a CD in my car and after it went off, I pulled over and put it in and just listened to it over and over. I felt like the song had been written just for me. The lyrics to the song describe a son who has gone off to war and writes his mom every day. To every letter his mom replies, “you’re good, and you’re brave…make it home make it safe.” The second part tugs on the heartstrings with a letter sent to his mother from one of his comrades saying, “I was up on a hill, I was out there alone when the shots all rang out and bombs were exploding. And that’s when I saw him ge came back for me, and though he was captured a man set me free. And that man was your son, he asked me to write to you. I told him I would, oh I swore."

This was the last letter she received from her son. But she still kept writing him every day, saying, “you’re good and you’re brave…make it home make it safe.” I could see the mom as being God, our father, telling us "you're good, you’re brave..." When it got to that verse I just lost it completely. Tear spilled from my eyes like water spills from a broken cistern. It was at that point that it really hit me, that in the midst of all of EVERYTHING God never leaves us behind. I just started singing that to God, because when the world was full of sin and God knew we would never be good enough, he sent his Son down to us, and even though he had to be captured and even killed, he did it to set us free and all that he asked was for us to accept him and to give lives over to him, just like he gave us his.

By the last verse, I was so overwhelmed with emotion and didn’t think I could take anymore, but knowing what was coming, just thinking of it right now brings the tears back to my eyes. It speaks of a car pulling into her driveway, and her falling to her knees, sending images of a mother collapsing at the loss of her son into your eyes and the pain of loss piercing into your heart. The next line reads, “then out stepped a captain, where her boy used to stand, and says ‘Mom I’m following orders from all of your letters, and I’ve come home again.”

Even when we don’t really want him there, or we don’t think that we need him there, God's still standing there right behind us saying "your good, you’re brave…make it home make it safe” and when we finally make it back to him, it isn’t going to be him just seeing us and saying "hey you're here" he will RUN to us, and take us in his arms and just rejoice because we've finally made it back to him. There is a verse in Zephaniah located in Chapter 3, verse 17 which says, “The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing” which really connects to this particular song for me.

The sun had completely set by this moment and the sky was lit by thousands of beautiful starts like glitter shimmering on a dark blue tapestry. I finally found the strength to turn my car back around and head home. I knew I needed that drive, it was exactly what I needed that day. Once I got away and got alone and put things into perspective, I couldn’t help but think, If GOD has my back, there's no way that I can’t make it. He makes EVERYTHING beautiful. I started thinking back over my previous semester, and every thing that I had gone through – the nightmares, the loss, having to move halls and get new roommates and prayer groups – but had that not happened, I would never have grown as much as I had. I learned to fight my way through hell, because I had to do it on my own. My friends did everything they could to help me, and were there for me through everything. And every night before I went to bed we would pray and my RAs and RD did the same, but when it came right down to it, it had to be ME who said, "I plead the blood of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, Satan LEAVE ME ALONE." I had to be the one who, starting in my dreams, had to fight back, and not let that demon in my dreams win. And once I started to fight back and he could see that he wasn’t going to win, he had no choice but to leave me alone. Even though he may try to start again, he knows that I'm even stronger than I was, and that he is NOT going to have a hold on me, and that has PISSED HIM OFF like a bull at a rodeo. And when I was in that in that tank on February 18th getting washed in the water, he's going to be throwing a big hissy fit like a two year old who can’t have a cookie, but God is going to be up in heaven looking down on me saying, 'you're good, and you're brave..." and that is ALL that I need! And that's all I want.

When God is Silent

Silence – Mark 4:35-41

God speaks to us in several ways. Some of these are His word (The Bible), Prayer, Church, Circumstances, and SILENCE!

Read Mark 4:35-41

[That day when evening came, he said to his disciples, "Let us go over to the other side." Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!"]

In this passage the disciples are afraid b/c the waves are high and there is a staorm threatening their lives. Yet God in the flesh, perfection personified, the soon to be savior of the world, chose to SLEEP.

Many of us tend to put the disciples down for their lack of faith here, especially since Jesus was right there with them in the flesh. But we do the same thing almost daily. When things aren’t going our way or we’re having a rough couple of days, and we’re at our weakest, its easy for us to ask “where is God now?” or “doesn’t he know that I need him?” or even, “Don’t you care if i drown?”

What we fail to realize is that God is always silent for a reason. And in his perfect knowledge and power, he’s always silent at the perfect time, though to us it may not seem that way.

1- Silence tests the authenticity of our faith.

- Are we faithful followers or just fair-weather friends?

- During the storm, Jesus stayed silent to test the faith of his disciples, how real it was or did it even exist at all.

2- Silence tests the focus of our lives.

- Do we worship him for what he DOES or for WHO he is?

- When our focus is on the right thing (God) we will be able to say whole heartedly that God isn’t keeping something FROM us, but FOR us. We wont curse him for doing something TO us but thank him for doing something FOR us.

3- Silence forces us to get REAL with God.

- Do we have a casual acquaintance or a deep and essential relationship with him?

- When the storm was raging, all of the small talk was gone, and the disciples were left alone with their lack of faith.

But this was ok…

This ONE event was one that made these men into some of the “giants” of our faith. These same guys went on to saturate our world with the Gospel.

- His silence is never about the answers or the results. It is ALWAYS about the faith and the deepening of the relationship

- When God is silent, it doesn’t mean that he’s rejecting you.

In the following video, the son was only ever interested in what his dad did for him. He never listened to his advice or did anything he was told to do. So the father decided to give his son the dreaded “silent treatment.” At first the son was ok with it, he just did what he wanted to do and tried to trick his dad into talking to him, but after a few days, it finally got to him and he cracked.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWFdeyljAG4

Robbie Ray stopped talking to his son to teach him the importance of his father and he was silent long enough for his son to get the point.

In the same way, God chooses to give us, his beloved children, the silent treatment. Not to punish us but to teach us. He will be silent long enough for us to stop caring about what he can do for us. He’ll be silent until you are desperate just to hear his voice, desperate just for HIM. Until his very presence is enough.

One of my mentors once told me a story about a time of silence she had in her walk with God. It went on for longer than many of us have ever experienced. At one point, she was with her father doing mission work in a third world country doing mission work in a 3^rd-world country. She’d become really bitter with God and it had begun to show. One night during a church gathering with the locals, God finally spoke. I want to end with the simple words that he spoke to her. He said,

“If you never hear me again, will you still serve me?
If you never feel me again, will you still love me?”

Jeremiah 18:2-6

This is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: "Go down to the potters house and there I will give you my message." So i went down to the potter's house, and I saw him working at the wheel. But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.

Then the word of the Lord came to me: "O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter does?" declares the Lord. "Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel. If at any time I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be uprooted, torn down and destroyed, and if that nation I warned repents of its evil, then i will relent and not inflict on it the disaster I had planned. And if at another tie I announce that a nation or kingdom is to be built up and planted and if it does evil in my sight and does not obey me, then i will reconsider the good I had planned for it.

We all feel like we're not where we're supposed to be and feel so imperfect and like there's nothing good about is. And when we're feeling out of place or hurting, it can seem like we're being punished. But God is just shaping us into what he wants us to be. It never makes sense to us because his wisdom is far greater than ours. When he breaks us, it feels like he's punishing us but God is in the business of using broken people. He seldom uses someone greatly that he hasn't broken deeply. In order for him to use us in the way he wants to he has to beak us so that we learn to trust only in him and learn to mold and form in his hands.

Like the potter adds water to the clay to mold it, God's gonna pour on us the living water and also the troubles and trials that are needed to prepare us to walk with him and to be equipped to do the task he has in store for us and to do it in such a way that will bring him the glory that is rightfully his and to best further his kingdom and add to it. God has so many blessings in store for us. but if we disobey him, it is possible that he will with hold those blessings and bestow them on someone else. for instance, if God puts it on your heart to talk to someone - be it about him or just to reach out a hand of friendship, that friendship could be a tremendous blessing on both parties involved. But if you refuse, because you're afraid or the person isn't the person who you would normally talk to, we'll miss out on that relationship. but God wont let that blessing go to waste. if that person needs someone he's not going to leave them with no one. so he'll send another more willing person to do what he'd originally asked you to do, and that person will receive the blessing that was originally meant for you.

God is a just God. He punishes evil doers. (Psalm 32:10) But doesn't everyone make mistakes? yes. isn't everyone sinful? Yes. Not only is God a just God, but he is also a MERCIFUL God. If anyone does wrong in the eyes of God, He is quick to forgive us. but we have to first ask for it. (1 John 1:9) At the same time, if we displease God, he will discipline us like a father disciplines his son not to punish us but to help us to grow and to learn from our mistakes(Hebrews 12:5-11). But sometimes, it is not because of anything that we've done that God allows trials and tribulations to come our way.

Everything that we go through has a purpose. Take me for example. Since i was in grade 6, I've struggled with Self-Injury. While it is a struggle that never really goes away, it is one that can be overcome by the grace of God. dealing with this has enabled me to learn that no matter how difficult the struggle or how strong the temptation, it is possible to over come. (1 Corinthians 10:13) Dealing with the struggles that I've Gone through in the past has enabled me to help others with similar struggles. This is why i love the verse in Romans that says that all things work together for the good of those who love God. (v28) While it may be wrong of me but i take a slightly different interpretation of this verse than some might. i tend to be intentionally dyslexic when it comes to this verse. instead of "for the good of those that love God" i like to say "for the good of those that God loves." i don't believe that the two are always interchangeable because though God loves everyone, not everyone loves God. But with this particular verse, i have my own way of looking at it.

God loves everyone, and He wants all of us to serve Him and have an abundant life (John 10:10). So this is why I believe that this particular verse can be flipped and still be accurate. It may not always be the case because as we all no, not everyone will come to believe in God prior to judgement day. Many souls will never be turned away from the road that leads to destruction(Matthew 7:13), this is something that none of us can deny. But I also know that it is God's will that NONE should parish (2 Peter 3:9). It is because of this, among other reasons, that I like to flip that verse. It is hard for me to explain my exact reasoning for the way i view this verse, because I'm not very good with words. But I do strongly believe that God will work everything out according to his perfect will. Take each of our salvation stories. Especially those who come from a "worse" background than others. Say those of us who come from abusive backgrounds be it within your family or in dating relationships. How could any good possibly come out of death?Moreover, how can ANY good come out of a world filled with sin?

I said earlier that God is in the business of using broken people. He takes joy in mending broken hearts and loves holding His children near and catching every tear that falls from their eyes. But God also enjoys taking something that is broken and turning it into something that is beautiful. Take for instance The Riverside Center, located in Lincoln Heights, Washington, DC. There is a wall of their building as well as the sign for Marvin Gay Park across the street that is made entirely of broken glass. So what right? broken glass, can be bought or made very easily. but the broken glass used in these cases is no ordinary broken glass. this glass was found in the park. this glass - to me and to others - represents how broken this neighborhood really is. but it was taken and made into something that is really beautiful. the same way, God uses us in our brokenness and turns our pain into something beautiful.

Never Alone - BarlowGirl [Original in journal i kept last fall, content edited a bit]

I waited for you today but you didn't show, No, No, No.I needed You today, so where did you go?

You told me to call, said You'd be there.And though I haven't seen You, are You still there?

I cried out with no reply and I can't feel You by my side

So I'll hold tight to what I know You're here and I'm never alone.

And though I can not see You and I can't explain why.

Such a deep, deep reassurance You've placed in my life

We cannot separate 'cause You're part of me and though You're invisible I'll trust the unseen.

I cried out with no reply and I can't feel You by my side

So I'll hold tight to what I know, You're here and I'm never alone

We cannot separate, You're part of me and though You're invisible I'll trust the unseen

I cried out with no reply and I can't feel You by my side

So I'll hold tight to what I know, You're here and I'm never alone

I cannot possibly begin to count the times that i have sung, played or just listened to this song but tonight God has revealed to me how much this song really describes my relationship with both Him and the people that i've been habitually clinging to that have "let me down." As I listened to the first verse tonight it cam to my mind that this verse is like the earthly people that i cling so tightly to and when they "let me down," I spiral downward out of control.

How many people have i let do this to me? How many times have i let myself get so attached to someone that i totally forget about God? How many times has this lead to heartache? I can't even try to count how many times i've heard "i'll always be here" or "i'm not like them" only to hear "i can't do this anymore"

This song has been my anthem for some time now, without me even realizing it. How many times have i cut myself because i feel as if it's the only way for me to get across how truly and deeply i'm hurting? How many suicide attempts? How many lies? How many bathroom visits just to see if anyone would check up on me? too many. all of this has lead to nothing but heartbreak and suffering for me. How long have i been so numb to my pain that i cant feel Jesus walking with me, or the Holy Spirit dwelling inside of me, or the hand of God protecting me and reaching out to me? How long has it been since I could HONESTLY say that I have felt like God was with me? But when Monica Rose was sharing her testimony about being in India and God speaking to her saying, "If you never feel me again, will you still love me? If you never feel me again, will you still serve me?"

To be completely honest, I was incoherent for most of the class and i was coming in and out of consciousness but when i heard that it was like WHOA!! That's for me! It was what i needed to hear and I KNOW that her saying that was God speaking to me through my Evangelism Professor's testimony. I knwo that was probably her intention when she gave that lecture but i'm fairly certain that i'm not the only own who needed to hear those words. Just like Johnnie said tonight at campus church, God uses other people to speak to u. we just have to be willing to listen and we have to be OPEN and looking for HIm. Searching with a fervent heart. The bible says if you seek him you will find him when you seek him with all of your heart. Just like we have to have faith when we pray for comfort or miracles, we must also be in a constant state of prayer asking God to speak to us and to use us to further his kingdom.

Too often I get wrapped up in my won selfish wants and needs that I forget how much he's done for me and how much he still wants to make me into what he created me to be, and i know that whatever his plan is for my life, I know that it is not form me to give in to what the world says is only natural when i know that it is wrong. I cant lie and say that its not something that i still struggle with, though that is what i lead my friends to believe. the worst thing is, the ones who i know would be the most understanding and help me the most are the ones i cant bear to tell, because i dont want or need a repeat of this summer. Especially since all of them are on my hall and i spend so much time in their rooms. But i know that i can put all of my burdens on Christ and he will carry me the whole way back to redemption and the road that i'm supposed to be on. all i had to do was come to the foot of the cross and bow at the feet of my savior and just scream "SAVE ME JESUS" and he came to me and saved me. all i had to do was ask him. But this is something that i rarely do. not until i have come to the end of my rope. i always try to solve my problems on my own or with the help of other people. but when i'm on the edge and slipping, who do i run to? NOT GOD. But who is it that is the ONLY one who can save me? GOD!!

Back to the song, the first chorus still speaks of my relationships on earth, but the second part of the chorus along with the second verse speaks specifically of my relationship with our heavenly father. I cant always see or feel him but i know that he is always there. as for the tag of the song, well, it is a reminder to me:

"We cannot separate you're part of me.

And though you're invisible, i'll trust the unseen"

God has not left me yet which says a lot. with as many times as i've slapped him in the face and denied him in front of my friends, he has never once stopped loving me. Even in my darkest hours when i feel so alone and when i feel that no one could ever love me or want to help me, i know that He is always there. God is like Oxygen, you cant always feel it and you can't see it, but we can see evidence of Him in nature, a newborn's first cry and in our own lives. without oxygen there would be no life. Even fish would die because they get their oxygen from the water. Without God, there would be NOTHING. After all, He created us remember? Even when we feel like there is nothing worth fighting for, we always have HIm, and we can take comfort in knowing that he's already worked everything out. All we have to do is trust him.

"Be Confident of this that he who has begun a good work in you

will finish it to completion in the day of Christ Jesus"

--Philippians 1:6

"The tragedy of life is not that it ends so soon, but that we wait so long to begin it"

--WM Lewis

Left my fear by the side of the road Hear You speak Won't let go Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray... [FB Thursday, July 23, 2009 at 7:01]

So i just woke up from one of the most intense nightmares of my life - well, at least the top 10 - and i just really feel the need to write about it because it has hit me pretty hard. Even though I just woke up from it the dream seems a little fuzzy. but the last part does NOT.

through out the nightmare, i was dabbling in different stuff, that i had no business being involved in. The things i was doing weren't necessarily sins or even bad things, but for me personally, they were extremely dangerous. well, the last part of the dream that made me jump out of my bed was really intense. I had laid down to go to bed, and I was still playing with this one little thing which, in the dream, manifested itself into a cat-like thing. it was laying beside me and i was just teasing it a little, like playing with its claws, letting it playfully scratch me. at that point i heard a voice say, "just don't let it go bad again. you'll regret it."

Almost instantly after the voice stopped, the thing latched onto my arm completely and was hissing and growling like...idk, like nothing i've ever heard or seen before and, in the dream, i grabbed the bible that was the table beside me and just started hitting it, which only made it madder and it latched on harder. that part in and of itself was enough to scare me, but next, this...i don't know how to describe it other than to say this face came up from the side of my bed that looked alot like the joker from the OLD batman movies, only more demonic looking. the face came up with this...idk, like a hungry look on its face but not like a "i havent eaten today, i'm hungry" kind of hunger. like the "hunger" that say a serial killer would get before it kills.

it grabbed onto me and bit into my side and wouldn't let me go. thats what woke me up. i jerked awake and made a full 360 turn in the bed...like when you roll over only all the way over, and i was about a 6 inches off the bed. i wasn't like levitating or anything, it scared me so much i jumped and turned at the same time - if that makes sense.

as some of you know, i have had a lot of issues with nightmares for a very long time but especially for the last year or so. i learned a long time ago that when i wake up from a nightmare that felt that intense and that real, not to ignore it. and that when i woke up like that - in a state of almost paralyzing fear - the best, no, ONLY thing to do is to pray. so in the dark in the middle of my bed, sitting up curled in a ball, afraid to spread out for fear that there was something in my room, all i could speak was the phrase that i learned a long time ago. "i plead the blood, Jesus help me. i plead the blood, please, Jesus help me." i sat there crying and saying that out loud over and over.

when i finally regained control, both of my mind and of my racing heart, i began to try to think of what might have caused the dream.

what had i done today? wake up, go to work. come home sit my stuff down, go to the store. come back and shower. nope, that cant be it. this is my daily routine

what did i do right before i went to bed ok, before i went to bed, i was on Skype with Emily singing to her. mostly Barlow Girl and Superchick songs, a little Addison Road. then She got off, and i read a few chapters in John, and then went to sleep. no this can't be it either.

so i began to question whether or not the dream had actually been caused by something that i had done. i mean, it must have right? because a dream that intense doesn't just happen - to me especially.

and then it hit me

i have been doing little things here and there that i know are really dangerous, and starting to slip back into some old routines, and i know that if i'm not careful, it can blow up in my face again

its so easy to think that "just a little" wont hurt us, and in some cases that's true. a lot of things in moderation can be good, but when over used or over done or said or listened to or anything of the sorts can be dangerous.

we get caught up in playing around a little with things that aren't hurting us...

yet

then in the blink of an eye, BAM!! that little thing that you were letting just scratch you latches on and becomes painfully dangerous. then we try to hit it with "empty scripture" and it just gets worse and worse, and before we know it, we come face to face with our worst nightmare.

now, let me clear something up.

I believe in the power of Scripture. The Word of God is our best and only weapon that we can use in the battle,

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

but if we're just hitting at the problem, witout FULLY committing it to God and TRUSTING in the power of scripture, then thats when it becomes empty. this is why the pharasees had it wrong. they knew all of the scripture, but the were too caught up in tradition, pride, and the law that they were blinded to who Jesus really was, and is.

this is still the case with many of us today

it is only when we cry out to God, truly believing that he can save us and completely relinquishing control of the situation, that we can count on what Psalm 34:17 tells us,

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles.

I'm a very artsy person. God uses many different ways to communicate with his children, and for me personally, he's been known to use dramas and skits and songs to speak to me. One of my favorite ones is the "Everything" skit to the Lifehouse Song. the girl in the skit started out on the right track, she was with Jesus, letting him romance her. and one by one she started to get wrapped up in the things of the world.

she she pursued many empty things, and began partying. then she bought into the lies of the world that she had to look a certain way and she started hurting herself in multiple ways.

PAUSE: how ironic is it that "everything" just came on my itunes, that is definitely a God thing.

anyway, at the end of the skit, demons start really weighing down on her and tempting her with Suicide.she wrestles with the thought for a while, holding a gun to her head then putting it down, then picking it back up.

finally she throws the gun down and starts trying to run back to God. but, forgive me or using this word again but, its only an empty pursuit. she's trying to fight on her own, and find her own way out of the darkness and back to him. all the while Jesus is on right on the other side reaching for her trying to pull her towards him, but she keeps falling down because she's trying to use her own strength to get to him.

it is only when she gives up control and falls to her knees that Jesus can - and does - step in and shield her from what's going on.

that part of the skit goes along with a quote i found a while back that says, " sometimes God calms the storm, other times, he lets the storms rage and calms his child"

PAUSE: God moment again, Lifehouse "Storm" just came on.

Even after Jesus steps in to help her he lets the storm rage. this is shown by the "demons" trying to grab her still, but the whole time, she's on her knees and Jesus is shielding her from their attacks - standing with his arms out like he's on the cross, then after a while, he throws them back off of himself/her. he picks her up, brushes her off, and wraps his arms around her, and she is once again walking with him.

probably one of the coolest things about that skit, is that she starts out in a black shirt. and then as she's fighting going through the trials and tribulations, the black shirt is ripped away, revealing a white shirt at the end.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything...Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. - James 1:2-4;12

God allows us to go through things so we can be prepared for what he has in store for us. its not alway because we've done something wrong that we go through what is commonly referred to as a "valley." Though God does correct us, he tells us this himself in Hebrews 12: 5-11 when he says:

you have forgotten the exhortation which speaks to you as to sons:

“ My son, do not despise the chastening of the LORD,
Nor be discouraged when you are rebuked by Him;
6 For whom the LORD loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives.”

If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons. Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

but anway, like usual, i have no idea how to end this note. So i'm just going to end it by saying to you and to myself, to be careful what you're messing around with.

Go to Campus Church to get some wisdom from the Johnnie [original post on facebook Thursday, October 16, 2008 at 1:24am]

Ok so to say the least campus church tonight couldn't have been better. Before we got there, I was praying to god that he would speak to me in some way and he definitely did, and i heard him loud and clear. As most of you know, the last few weeks have been hell for me and very few people know why, since I'm not a very vocal person. I do appreciate all of you who have asked if I'm ok. it meant a lot. but back to campus church. Johnny Moore's sermon was on christians who are downcast (depressed), and heavily burdened. His sermon came from first and second Corinthians, various verses of both as well as some from Acts 19. He talked about how Paul had been through a lot such as being imprisoned multiple times, being forced to sleep in the streets, flogged, bitten by a viper, among many other things but in all of this.

He talked about Paul writing Corinthians, and how it broke his heart writing the first letter because he was having to confront those he loved about the way that they're living. Each time either of them had to confront someone they cared about, they were deeply distressed. Neither Paul nor Jesus liked to be confrontational. there is only one record in the bible of Jesus being angry and that was in the temple. i know personally when i get hurt, my response is to get angry and i stay angry and bitter for a long time. all the while i should remember that God loves the people who hurt us just as much as he loves us. Very rarely do i even stop to consider this. now when it's friends that i'm upset with that's another story. most of the time, i'm willing to think about how they have alot going on in their life too, but most of the time I'm so overwhelmed with how much i need them that i forget how much they need me and how much we need each other.

If you know the story of Paul, then you know that after he wrote the first letter, he was greatly distressed and regretted sending it, but only for a short period because the people had repented, but they were angry with Paul and so when he heard that they'd strayed away from the path again, he sent is friend Titus to speak with them, since they weren't happy with Paul at the time. Paul and Titus had decided to meet in Troas but when Paul went to meet him, Titus wasn't there. Even though the ministry was great in Troas and Paul was able to minister to many people. he was heartbroken over the church, because it wasn't just a church, it was people that he loved. and he was lonely because Titus wasn't there and he had no idea if something had happened to him. He left Troas in search of his friend. his body had had no rest, he'd been harassed at every turn, he was having conflicts both on the inside and out, he was scared, and on top of that he was downcast (depressed.)

Paul felt the same emotions that we all feel today, and yet God used him to do do so many great and miraculous things for the Glory of God. Paul was said to be lonely twice in the bible, and he knew all too well the feelings of love that wasn't returned and criticism. But although this story seems as if it would have a sad ending, it ends in Joy. God helped Paul by sending some one to bring him out of the pit he was in. two points from the lesson tonight were that God specializes in comforting the downcast and He sometimes uses other people to "pull us out of our funk." when people-including myself- get depressed, they tend to try to get away from people, when in fact that's the last thing that they should do.

But back to the story of Paul, he finally met Titus on the road who told him that the people he'd been praying for had repented and were looking forward to seeing him. Even in Paul's most distressful moment, God had already worked it out.

"But God, who comforts the downcast, comforted us by the coming of Titus,
and not only by his coming but also by the comfort you had given him. He told us
about your longing for me, your deep sorrow, your ardent concern for me, so that
my joy was greater than ever" --2nd Corinthians 7:6-7

To whom are we Titus? we can never know how much a simple hello or smile or a little corny joke can mean to someone who is having a bad day.

The thing said tonight that hit me the hardest tonight was "Relationships and People are worth fighting for!" and that we can make it through anything if we stick together. God has made a promise to us that he would never leave us. Nothing that we go through is bigger than He is and as long as we lean on Him, we will make it through every time. God will use any thing, person, and/or circumstance to get our attention. I heard a quote in my worship class on Tuesday that said "God rarely uses someone greatly, that he does not wound deeply." We've also learned in that class that God is in the business of using broken people, because when we're broken we realize that God is all that we have left and once we learn to trust him, we see that he is all that we ever really need, and he soon will become all that we will ever want. One of the main things that we need to remember when we are broken is that whatever has caused us to become so broken was God's way of bringing us back to him.

Another thing I have learned in my worship class is that you cannot fail a test given to you by God. You can't fail it because he's going to keep giving it to you until you pass it. Of all the things that people have told me, that was the first thing that made sense to me. For the past 7 years or so, i have had nothing but problems holding on to friends. i become attached to people so easily and then in the end i always get hurt. who ever said that those you love are the ones who hurt you the most hit the nail right on the head. just in the last couple of days, i have come to think that God has been trying to tell me to stop clinging so tightly to people and lean on Him. I constantly find myself looking for someone to confide in and for a short period of time, things will go well. and then once i start to depend on them, something happens and that "safety net" so to speak is ripped out from underneath me and i plunge back down into utter depression, and it always takes something like that for me to go back to God, i say that and yet, every time that it happened i sunk down into a place so deep that i couldn't bear for anyone to even look at me, and the idea that God was there with me through it all was both comforting and terrifying.
God took pity on me every time and when i would lose someone, he'd send me another christian friend and the cycle started again. this has been going on since the 7th grade and i am now a freshman in college. Here at Liberty University, kind and compassionate people are everywhere, so it's easy to find someone to confide in if your looking and you're willing to put yourself out there. So as you can probably guess, i did the same thing again. but this time, when i got back to that low place, God didn't just send me a Christian friend to pull me out of my slump. He sent me SEVERAL mature christians who aren't willing to tell me that I need to stop relying so hard on other people and just get alone with God and talk it out with Him. Before I got to this school, that would have just made me mad. but being in this environment has been amazing for me. The people he has put in my life are the most amazing people and they mean the world to me. but I know that it's only God who is going to be able to heal all of my wounds and transform me into the person that he has made me to be. these people encourage me both spiritually and emotionally and I thank God for them every day.

I'm not really sure to end this so i'll just end it with a passage from Revelation that gives me great joy.

"Immediately I saw Four Angels standing at the four corners of earth, standing steady with a firm grip on the four winds so no wind would blow on earth or sea, not even rustle a tree. Then I saw another Angel rising from where the sun rose, carrying the seal of the Living God. He thundered to the Four Angels assigned the task of hurting earth and sea, "Don't hurt the earth! Don't hurt the sea! Don't so much as hurt a tree until I've sealed the servants of our God on their foreheads!" I heard the count of those who were sealed: 144,000! They were sealed out of every Tribe of Israel: 12,000 sealed from Judah, 12,000 from Reuben, 12,000 from Gad, 12,000 from Asher, 12,000 from Naphtali, 12,000 from Manasseh, 12,000 from Simeon, 12,000 from Levi, 12,000 from Issachar, 12,000 from Zebulun, 12,000 from Joseph, 12,000 sealed from Benjamin. I looked again. I saw a huge crowd, too huge to count. Everyone was there—all nations and tribes, all races and languages. And they were standing, dressed in white robes and waving palm branches, standing before the Throne and the Lamb and heartily singing: Salvation to our God on his Throne! Salvation to the Lamb! All who were standing around the Throne—Angels, Elders, Animals— fell on their faces before the Throne and worshiped God, singing: Oh, Yes! The blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving, The honor and power and strength, To our God forever and ever and ever! Oh, Yes! Just then one of the Elders addressed me: "Who are these dressed in white robes, and where did they come from?" Taken aback, I said, "O Sir, I have no idea—but you must know." Then he told me, "These are those who come from the great tribulation, and they've washed their robes, scrubbed them clean in the blood of the Lamb. That's why they're standing before God's Throne. They serve him day and night in his Temple. The One on the Throne will pitch his tent there for them: no more hunger, no more thirst, more scorching heat. The Lamb on the Throne will shepherd them, will lead them to spring waters of Life. And God will wipe every last tear from their eyes." --Revelation 7, The Message

The Bondage Breaker: Neil Anderson [Original Post on Facebook Thursday, January 22, 2009 at 4:00am]

So over break, a friend suggested that I check out this book titled The Bondage Breaker which is about overcoming struggles with sin, thoughts, and feelings. I just finished chapter one (i'm a little behind) and I felt as if i needed to post part of the book in here. The first chapter starts by talking about a girl that had been to many christian counselors but hadn't found any relief. One of her counselors approached the author of this book because he realized that she might be in some kind of spiritual battle. what i'm going to post is the prayer she wrote to God ten minutes before she swallowed a bottle of pills to try to kill herself:

Dear God,
Where are you? How can you watch and not help me? I hurt so bad, and you don't even care. If you cared you'd make it stop or let me die. I love you, but you seem so far away. I can't believe you're here. Lord, I feel them and hear them. They are hear. I know you're real, God, but they are more real to me right now. Please make someone believe me, Lord. Why won't you make it stop? Please, Lord, please! If you love me you'll let me die.
-- A Lost Sheep

I could lie and say that i've never felt the way that she felt, but i won't. I like many others have been to the point of desperation where you cry out to God and BEG him to kill you, just so you can get away from whatever you're going through. But it is when we are at our weakest points when God is the closest to us. his word tells us that he is close to the broken hearted and that he saves those who are crushed in spirit. ( Psalm 34:18)

Four years after "A Lost Sheep" wrote the prayer above, she was sitting in a church service and felt God leading her to pen this, his response to her prayer:

My Dear Lost Sheep,
You ask me where I am. My child, I am with you and I always will be. You are weak, but in Me you are strong. I love you so much that I can't let you die. I am so close that I feel everything you feel.
I know what you are going through, for I am going through it with you. But I have set you free and you must stand firm. you do not need to die physically for my enemies to be gone, but be crucified with Me and I will live in you and you shall live with Me. I will direct your paths of righteousness. My child, i love you and I will never forsake you, for you are truly mine.
-- Love, God

My favorite part of that response is when he says, "I am so close that I feel everything that you feel. I know what you are going through because I am going through it too." It's so comforting to know that even when we are at our lowest and we feel as if things couldn't get any worse, that we have someone there holding on to us. Some of you who know me well might remember about 2-3 years ago when my dad almost died one night because of complications with his diabetes. But for those of you who don't, I will briefly explain.

I was on a youth retreat about 45 minutes or so from home at a campsite called Camp Chestnut Ridge, and I had just finished playing guitar with a friend and doing my quiet time and I had laid down to go to bed. We weren't allowed to have our cell phones because we were supposed to focus on Jesus, but I had mine for emergencies, and it was off in my suitcase. I had just fallen asleep when my youth leader came in our room and turned on the lights and woke me up, and i could here the urgency in her voice. She told me that they'd had to rush my dad to the ER in an Ambulance which, if you no my dad, you know that it has to be bad for him to go to the doctor, and even WORSE for him to go to the ER in an Ambulance. I had about 20 seconds to decide what to do: i could stay at camp or i could have a good friend of the family who was heading to the hospital come pick me up and take me there as well. I decided that i needed to go so i packed my stuff with help from the girls in my room and my youth leader and a close friend drove me down to the road to meet my ride. Now, my dad has had many scares with his diabetes, and his biological father died from complications with diabetes, so in the 30 minutes or so it took for my ride to pick me up, all i could do was pray to God not to take my dad from me, because despite the prayers of my mother and I, we don't believe that he's ever truly accepted Jesus into his heart, and I was certain that if he were to be taken from me, he would be separated from our father in heaven for all of eternity. I made it to the hospital that night, close to 2 am or so, and I got there at the same time that my aunt, uncle, and Grandma had gotten to the hospital from Virginia, 4 hours from our house. and for my granny to drive that far, it had to be bad. We got in the hospital and my mom gave us the update. My dad was in ICU hooked up to several machines. he was severely dehydrated and his blood sugar was dangerously high, so high that it wouldn't register on ANY of the machines. The doctors had told my mom that if it didn't come down, he would probably slip into a diabetic coma and that his kidneys and likely his liver would shut down, and he probably wouldn't make it. only one person was allowed into my dads room at a time, so i went in alone but wasn't really allowed to touch him or hug him, and he was unconscious so i couldn't have talked to him anyway. but i couldn't stop crying and begging God not to take my daddy from me. i didnt go to sleep that night, and the next day my boss called me and wanted me to come into work. My mom made me go because i was going crazy at the hospital and she knew that i needed to get away. I can remember being dropped off at the church where my car was, driving to work, and then just driving back to the church, because i needed to be there. i sat in my car in that parking lot for about 2 hours just crying out to God. I felt so alone and I was so scared that i was going to lose my dad. I remember at one point getting out of my car and laying down on the pavement, begging God to just hold me. The moment i cried out to him, not asking him not to take my dad, but to hold me, i felt an instant sense of...not exactly peace, but something similar. it was like i could literally feel god reaching down and wrapping his loving arms around me, and in that moment, i knew that everything was going to be ok. I didn't know if my dad was going to live or die, but i knew that God was there, wrapping his loving arms around me and he wasn't going to let go.

My dad made it, praise God and the old fart is alive and kicking at 45 (yeah, i know it's not that old, but its fun to mess with him.) My dad almost dying was one of the 4 times in my life when i can remember begging God to hold me, and having an instant response from him. the others all being a close family member either almost dying or passing away. But the cool thing about God is that, no matter what your problem is, and no matter how "small" you think it is, God is right there with you waiting for you to cry out for him to hold you. and when God wraps his arms around you and holds you tight, there is no better feeling.

I'm not exactly sure where i was going with this note, and i dont know if half of it made any sense, but in my defense, it is 3:40 am. But after reading that chapter i felt like i at least needed to post the prayer and response.

the first few posts

so i have sever things that i've written and i've been able to collect them all and save them into word documents. but i really want a blog that i can post them all on. and i really want a blog that i can respond to my fav scriptures on. so this is gonna be it. but the first few posts are gonna be all within a few minutes of each other, b/c i'm just posting my old work