So over break, a friend suggested that I check out this book titled The Bondage Breaker which is about overcoming struggles with sin, thoughts, and feelings. I just finished chapter one (i'm a little behind) and I felt as if i needed to post part of the book in here. The first chapter starts by talking about a girl that had been to many christian counselors but hadn't found any relief. One of her counselors approached the author of this book because he realized that she might be in some kind of spiritual battle. what i'm going to post is the prayer she wrote to God ten minutes before she swallowed a bottle of pills to try to kill herself:
Dear God,
Where are you? How can you watch and not help me? I hurt so bad, and you don't even care. If you cared you'd make it stop or let me die. I love you, but you seem so far away. I can't believe you're here. Lord, I feel them and hear them. They are hear. I know you're real, God, but they are more real to me right now. Please make someone believe me, Lord. Why won't you make it stop? Please, Lord, please! If you love me you'll let me die.
-- A Lost Sheep
I could lie and say that i've never felt the way that she felt, but i won't. I like many others have been to the point of desperation where you cry out to God and BEG him to kill you, just so you can get away from whatever you're going through. But it is when we are at our weakest points when God is the closest to us. his word tells us that he is close to the broken hearted and that he saves those who are crushed in spirit. ( Psalm 34:18)
Four years after "A Lost Sheep" wrote the prayer above, she was sitting in a church service and felt God leading her to pen this, his response to her prayer:
My Dear Lost Sheep,
You ask me where I am. My child, I am with you and I always will be. You are weak, but in Me you are strong. I love you so much that I can't let you die. I am so close that I feel everything you feel.
I know what you are going through, for I am going through it with you. But I have set you free and you must stand firm. you do not need to die physically for my enemies to be gone, but be crucified with Me and I will live in you and you shall live with Me. I will direct your paths of righteousness. My child, i love you and I will never forsake you, for you are truly mine.
-- Love, God
My favorite part of that response is when he says, "I am so close that I feel everything that you feel. I know what you are going through because I am going through it too." It's so comforting to know that even when we are at our lowest and we feel as if things couldn't get any worse, that we have someone there holding on to us. Some of you who know me well might remember about 2-3 years ago when my dad almost died one night because of complications with his diabetes. But for those of you who don't, I will briefly explain.
I was on a youth retreat about 45 minutes or so from home at a campsite called Camp Chestnut Ridge, and I had just finished playing guitar with a friend and doing my quiet time and I had laid down to go to bed. We weren't allowed to have our cell phones because we were supposed to focus on Jesus, but I had mine for emergencies, and it was off in my suitcase. I had just fallen asleep when my youth leader came in our room and turned on the lights and woke me up, and i could here the urgency in her voice. She told me that they'd had to rush my dad to the ER in an Ambulance which, if you no my dad, you know that it has to be bad for him to go to the doctor, and even WORSE for him to go to the ER in an Ambulance. I had about 20 seconds to decide what to do: i could stay at camp or i could have a good friend of the family who was heading to the hospital come pick me up and take me there as well. I decided that i needed to go so i packed my stuff with help from the girls in my room and my youth leader and a close friend drove me down to the road to meet my ride. Now, my dad has had many scares with his diabetes, and his biological father died from complications with diabetes, so in the 30 minutes or so it took for my ride to pick me up, all i could do was pray to God not to take my dad from me, because despite the prayers of my mother and I, we don't believe that he's ever truly accepted Jesus into his heart, and I was certain that if he were to be taken from me, he would be separated from our father in heaven for all of eternity. I made it to the hospital that night, close to 2 am or so, and I got there at the same time that my aunt, uncle, and Grandma had gotten to the hospital from Virginia, 4 hours from our house. and for my granny to drive that far, it had to be bad. We got in the hospital and my mom gave us the update. My dad was in ICU hooked up to several machines. he was severely dehydrated and his blood sugar was dangerously high, so high that it wouldn't register on ANY of the machines. The doctors had told my mom that if it didn't come down, he would probably slip into a diabetic coma and that his kidneys and likely his liver would shut down, and he probably wouldn't make it. only one person was allowed into my dads room at a time, so i went in alone but wasn't really allowed to touch him or hug him, and he was unconscious so i couldn't have talked to him anyway. but i couldn't stop crying and begging God not to take my daddy from me. i didnt go to sleep that night, and the next day my boss called me and wanted me to come into work. My mom made me go because i was going crazy at the hospital and she knew that i needed to get away. I can remember being dropped off at the church where my car was, driving to work, and then just driving back to the church, because i needed to be there. i sat in my car in that parking lot for about 2 hours just crying out to God. I felt so alone and I was so scared that i was going to lose my dad. I remember at one point getting out of my car and laying down on the pavement, begging God to just hold me. The moment i cried out to him, not asking him not to take my dad, but to hold me, i felt an instant sense of...not exactly peace, but something similar. it was like i could literally feel god reaching down and wrapping his loving arms around me, and in that moment, i knew that everything was going to be ok. I didn't know if my dad was going to live or die, but i knew that God was there, wrapping his loving arms around me and he wasn't going to let go.
My dad made it, praise God and the old fart is alive and kicking at 45 (yeah, i know it's not that old, but its fun to mess with him.) My dad almost dying was one of the 4 times in my life when i can remember begging God to hold me, and having an instant response from him. the others all being a close family member either almost dying or passing away. But the cool thing about God is that, no matter what your problem is, and no matter how "small" you think it is, God is right there with you waiting for you to cry out for him to hold you. and when God wraps his arms around you and holds you tight, there is no better feeling.
I'm not exactly sure where i was going with this note, and i dont know if half of it made any sense, but in my defense, it is 3:40 am. But after reading that chapter i felt like i at least needed to post the prayer and response.
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